Apple is adding a new feature to their Sierra operating system called “ThoughtTrain.” According to experts, it’s a feature that no user will need, want, or understand and will activate at arbitrary, unexpected times – requiring your Apple ID and password to be entered repeatedly.
Apple Press Secretary Giroshi Matanabe addressed reporters at Apple’s secret lab under the sea, transcription follows:
“Ladies and gentleman, first of all, I’d like to thank you for agreeing to the blindfolded submarine ride to our secret lab under the sea. Now, let me introduce our groundbreaking new feature which will change everything about how we use computers. Introducing: ThoughtTrain.
So what is ThoughtTrain? ThoughtTrain is a feature that integrates our user-friendly interface with application functionality to maximize your efficiency at work. You’ll never miss a beat with ThoughtTrain.
Suppose, for example, you’re at your computer and you access a file that’s relevant to your work, and that file happens to be of a type that ThoughtTrain recognizes. ThoughtTrain will automatically open, interrupting whatever software you’re using, and attempt to open the file. And if it’s the first time the ThoughtTrain app has opened, you will be prompted to create a username, password, and to register online. If you’re not online at the time, you won’t be able to advance or exit the software until you are online. Once you’ve registered your ThoughtTrain software, you’ll be guided through setup – but that won’t include adjusting the factory presets like the one that makes the app open all by itself at inconvenient times. You’ll have to finish setup, then open and save a new project which will create a project file on your hard drive, but that file will always be hidden from the Finder view so you don’t ever have to worry about it. Before proceeding from this point, remember to check for software updates. They are released every three to seven seconds so you’ll want to check often. Once your ThoughtTrain software is up to date, you can change the preset which determines what types of files will trigger the app to open automatically. If you can’t find this option you can watch a Youtube tutorial to guide you. You will need an internet connection to do this, without one you cannot advance beyond this point. Once you’ve changed the preset you can return to your work, content with the knowledge that the ThoughtTrain app will no longer automatically open when you access a file of that particular type. At least not until the next update, which will reset all the options to the original factory settings. And you can do all this without ever skipping a beat in your hectic workday. You never miss a beat with ThoughtTrain.”
Matanabe answered a bevy of light-hearted inquiries about the new app before treating his guests to a light lunch of soft shell crab salad. But he remained mum on questions about Apple’s secret lab’s rumored true purpose: developing the so-called “Holy Grail” of telecommunications: the underwater cell phone.