HAPLESS NATION ELECTS WRONG CANDIDATE

The small island nation of Ikepegagu accidentally elected the wrong candidate to it’s highest official post on Tuesday, when the majority of voters cast ballots for Si’kemp Monola and elected him President.

Monola is known locally as “Gabagua Mok” a term in the local dialect meaning “grandfather dirty-scalp.”

“Ob blok nom dibi-duey!” was the first official decree of the new President, a phrase that sounds a lot like something spoken in the Ikepegagi tongue but is actually complete gibberish in any language on Earth. Nevertheless, Monola spoke before the General Assembly and boldly stated his agenda for all his people and the world to hear.

President Si’Kemp Monola

“Ob blok nom dibi-duey! Digibidy bulubob holak a gok shibididdy wibbido dobby blore flurriak balore yupiddyu-yah! San lattity wabba gobba lik shik mik tikt tu tai telebe shekel snute snat stattery baz fugax racheter shu brek. Grep buey gam quali garza beratle yilger larn busca brandle fral freg belingle!”

Strong words indeed from the leader, a man who appears incapable of coherent thought. Si’kemp Monola is something of an outcast on Ikepegagu; he has never held any job of record and sleeps in the sand underneath Lifeguard Tower 34 on the Old East Beach. Consistently shirtless, Monola stays true to his Gabagua Mok moniker – his knotty matted hair thick with sand and mud and the occasional Berrella fly (the horsefly’s nasty cousin, twice the size and reverse-beaked). Local legend says the giant insect lives in Monola’s ghastly bush of a beard but experts believe the bug is attracted to the cattle dung he usually keeps in his front pockets. The stench, along with the buzzing pest serve to deter all would-be attackers, law enforcement, or savage beast from coming within five meters of Monola, much less engaging him. Monola has lived the comfortable life of an island vagrant for decades, his dark leathery skin a testament to years spent lounging on the beach. He survives solely on raw clams he digs from the sand, though tourists are rumored to feed him late at night despite posted signage clearly instructing against it.

Just how Mr. Monola won the popular vote has remained something of a mystery in the world press, but one local man summed it up.

“System broke,” says Jink Bet Tugalook in pigeon English. “World see now system broke.” Tugalook, a successful fish spear repairman, told me the sentiment was shared by all those who voted for Monola. Professor of Economics Richard Tabbabaptarkalabibon of Ikepegagu University explained in more detail.

“The people here don’t believe their government serves them despite the fact that it was created for that purpose alone. It’s true that they start needless wars with neighboring islands but the Ikepegagu government only spends 65% of its budget on military engagements. The rest is used for public works and services. Unfortunately, the people can nominate absolutely anyone in a democratic election, which creates the potential for a wholly unqualified candidate to win. Voters wanted to voice their displeasure with the entire system, so they nominated the island’s most insane inhabitant.”


“The problem,” said Tabbabaptarkalabibon, “the people didn’t realize they weren’t actually supposed to vote for him.”


It turns out Monola’s nomination was simply meant to be a political statement, a reminder to the government that the people hold ultimate power in their democracy by way of the ballot box. But this statement likely fell on deaf ears, as the current administration was coming to the end of it’s final term and powerless to change the current election procedures. Monola’s opponent, Krifflette Gowpie Dod never endorsed any change to the Constitutionally mandated election, assuming any opposition to democracy would be unpopular. But Professor Tabbabaptarkalabibon says the statement made by Monola’s nomination had not gone unheeded; the local media had vigorously pushed the anti-democracy agenda and some members the General Assembly’s Constitution Committee had already drafted a proper Amendment that would permanently disregard the popular vote tally in all national elections. In nominating Monola, the people had spoken loudly, shocking the nation and startling it from sleep like a nasty Berella fly bite in the night. It was a wake-up call every voter would have to face – seeing the name of their nation’s most insane man on their Presidential ballot.

“The problem,” said Tabbabaptarkalabibon, “the people didn’t realize they weren’t actually supposed to vote for him.”

So it appears Monola’s election was a case of a political statement gone awry. A confused public went to the polls Tuesday and put into power a man who does not actually know what the Presidency is. But he was quickly joined in the Grand Palace by Brishok Mepplenod, the island’s wealthiest landowner and head of the Island Beef Company. Mepplenod’s cattle empire has monopolized Ikepegagu’s factory farming industry for generations and in recent years has boosted the local economy with a series of controversy trade agreements with world corporations. In exchange for the lucrative deals, Mepplenod used his local influence to open up the island’s oceans to international fishing, whaling, and deep sea oil drilling.

Mepplenod assumed the role of Monola’s advisor and spokesperson and moved quickly to assuage any fears of the new President’s apparent ineptitude.

“I’m going to surround Mr. Monola with the best our island has to offer,” he told reporters at the administration’s first official press event. “For the past sixty years, my family has bred the biggest, strongest most delicious cattle in the Southern Hemisphere. Our Prize Bulls are renowned worldwide for their incredible muscles, unending stamina, and their bulging, gigantic balls. My absolute finest specimen, a huge bull we call Jasper, will be our nation’s Vice President.

                                               Vice President Jasper

He’ll be sworn in tomorrow in the Grand Palace. Jasper will handle all the difficult decisions President Monola is simply incapable of understanding. Jasper’s wealth of experience as a prize bull has prepared him to hold this office and work in our best national interest. As a prize bull, Jasper was groomed from birth for the highest, noblest position of leadership. His record on defense is unparalleled; he has consistently defeated all foreign bulls on my ranch and repeatedly impregnated a healthy harem of voluptuous she-cows. Fear not people of Ikepegagu, for none dare stand against our valiant Jasper.”

President Monola appeared to echo that statement when queried on the role of Jasper in his new government.

“Biggity pleck muni glater asepopeep,” he noted, plunging his hands into the dung-filled pockets of his cut-offs. An unusually large Berella fly circled his head, buzzing smartly at the smell of fresh bullshit.

One thought on “HAPLESS NATION ELECTS WRONG CANDIDATE

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *