In response to restrictions placed on the sale and distribution of genetically modified food products, milk giant Monsanto today released a statement contrasting its own, non-GMO products to the modified versions sold by their competitors.
“Unlike our competitors’ milk, our milk is in no way modified genetically because it is produced by cloned cows. Each cows’ genetic code is exactly the same as its mothers and its sisters, and as every other Monsanto sow in milk production. Rather than breed our cows selectively and choose for traits like udder size and milk production (in order to increase these attributes over generations), we chose to clone one original sow with an unusually gigantic udder and a ridiculous rate of lactation. We also administer a continuous stream of steroids and recombinant bovine somatropin into each clones’ bloodstream which increases udder size and lactation rate even further. Our cows are juiced-up, hormone-injected, genetically-unadulterated clones of a mutant mother and cannot stand upright on their legs due to the enormous size of their mammaries which, in most cases, are larger than the rest of their body, and their milk contains absolutely no GMOs.”
-Brett D Begeman, President & CEO, Monsanto Company
Big Blue Bessy, the “original sow” referenced by Begeman, recently received the same hormone and steroid injections as her clone daughters, ballooning her udder to a world record, nearly twice as big as the rest of her body. Reacher for comment, Big Blue Bessy was quoted as saying, “Please, for the love of God, shoot me now.”