Brita introduced a new water filter to the public today, one which filters out more than nutritious minerals and tooth-preserving fluoride. 

The BritaX Mark 3 features advanced technology which effectively eliminates the behavior-controlling and opinion-inducing chemicals injected into the public water supply by the government and other agents.

“We designed the BritaX Mark 3 to ensure a water drinking experience free from the hassle of subliminal mind control,” Brita Spokesperson Tyson Shandieguyé boasted to reporters at a press conference today. “You won’t have to worry about propagandists or demagogues influencing your soft, impressionable brains anymore.  From now on you’ll only be drinking what we here at Brita want you to be drinking.”  he smiled inside his loopy mustachio and pulled away the velvet veil covering the glistening new BritaX Mark 3 water filter on the podium beside him.

BritaX Pitcher with new BritaX Mark 3 Advanced Filter

The filter should come as a relief to the water-wary American public that, according to recent polls, is increasing suspicions of its own water supply after a series of drinking water scandals rocked Washington.

Last Tuesday FBI Agents arrested three men who had infiltrated the Blue Plains water treatment facility in Anacostia in a foiled attempt to contaminate the DC area’s  drinking water with a chemical compound known as “noxicidric toxicon” which, when consumed by humans, causes an insatiable hunger for pecans and intense racism and bigotry. The FBI is currently investigating a connection between the suspects and US Attorney General Jeff Sessions, who recently purchased a pecan farm outside Pensacola, Florida.

And just two weeks ago Vice President Pence was photographed in the act of “railroading” a Deer Park plastic water bottle, replacing its contents with the Russian state-owned brand BaiKali, in an incident now known as Bottled Watergate.

Political campaigns are the latest culprits to poison water supplies of vast metropolitan areas.  Pharaoh Ben Ramses was said to have blessed the waters of Cairo with wren’s blood and mother of pearl, aphrodisiacs to ready the population for his Royal Robeless Parade. And the Roman Emperor Biggupsus II tainted the Frankish village of Hiig with wolfsbane, hemlock and laurel seed – strong psychedelics that confused the Frankish men but seduced their voluptuous wives to Roman arms.

A spokesperson for the FBI warned that Brita’s new filter, miraculous as it may be, won’t’ be enough to block out the waves of political suggestion permeating the external stimulus that is Western culture.  “The social interactions, media consumption, and social media experiences of the modern American is a vast conduit of suggestion and influence, and in some cases, outright mind control, and one water filter is but a small umbrella in the infinite deluge of electronic information,” said Special Agent Cindy Malowe. “The Russians have known this for decades, and no matter how much water we filter they will always be influencing us in ways we don’t even realize, from fake news to exotic espionage. And it’s probably too late to do anything about it.  You can dunk your head in a tank of water but, chances are the Russians already got to you.”

The BritaX Mark 3 hits shelves Thursday and is available for pre-order on


  1. If tap water is no longer your source for brain washing chemicals, be sure to use an organic cleanser. I’ve noticed my brain can get pretty filthy if it sits in it’s own juices for too long.

  2. It’s ridiculous to think that the government is putting mind control substances in the water. Everyone knows that the brain (where the mind is located) doesn’t use water for anything except as a cooling system. The government (the real world government not the national government) is using radio waves from satellites to brainwash the masses. The only thing they are using the water for is controlling peoples fertility.

  3. No one who knows what is really going on has ever suggested that government sponsored mind control chemicals are in the water. The government is using sophisticated nano-bot technology to influence our minds. The nano-bots live in the water and find their ways into our brains where they can reconstruct our neural pathways to accept the false reality that your readers are buying into. The chemicals in the water that these new filters eliminate are merely a food source for the nano-bots themselves. But by eliminating their food source the nanobots will starve. Duh.

  4. Butter down the hatches! Me use this to filter the salt gravy into pure drinkable gravy when at gravy sea in my gravy boat. RRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

  5. The Filter includes the activated carbon, and oblongata. Behind the unique filtering system is the ionobellum. Its cortex is designed to narrow fluid control horizontally. The activated carbon removes substances that may impair taste, such as loborine and chlorine compounds, an anterior lobe, and the flocculonodular lobe.. The anterior and posterior pitcher are connected in the filter by the vermis. The cerebellum has a much thinner outer cortex for filtering.

    The ion exchange resin used reduces the carbonate medulla, accordingly softening tap water, and reduces control transmission metals, such as cortexxer, that can occur as a result of governmental installation. The brain filter, resembling a stalk, attaches to the faucet at the start of the filter area and pours directly into the pitcher.

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