Brita introduced a new water filter to the public today, one which filters out more than nutritious minerals and tooth-preserving fluoride.
The BritaX Mark 3 features advanced technology which effectively eliminates the behavior-controlling and opinion-inducing chemicals injected into the public water supply by the government and other agents.
“We designed the BritaX Mark 3 to ensure a water drinking experience free from the hassle of subliminal mind control,” Brita Spokesperson Tyson Shandieguyé boasted to reporters at a press conference today. “You won’t have to worry about propagandists or demagogues influencing your soft, impressionable brains anymore. From now on you’ll only be drinking what we here at Brita want you to be drinking.” he smiled inside his loopy mustachio and pulled away the velvet veil covering the glistening new BritaX Mark 3 water filter on the podium beside him.
The filter should come as a relief to the water-wary American public that, according to recent polls, is increasing suspicions of its own water supply after a series of drinking water scandals rocked Washington.
Last Tuesday FBI Agents arrested three men who had infiltrated the Blue Plains water treatment facility in Anacostia in a foiled attempt to contaminate the DC area’s drinking water with a chemical compound known as “noxicidric toxicon” which, when consumed by humans, causes an insatiable hunger for pecans and intense racism and bigotry. The FBI is currently investigating a connection between the suspects and US Attorney General Jeff Sessions, who recently purchased a pecan farm outside Pensacola, Florida.
And just two weeks ago Vice President Pence was photographed in the act of “railroading” a Deer Park plastic water bottle, replacing its contents with the Russian state-owned brand BaiKali, in an incident now known as Bottled Watergate.
Political campaigns are the latest culprits to poison water supplies of vast metropolitan areas. Pharaoh Ben Ramses was said to have blessed the waters of Cairo with wren’s blood and mother of pearl, aphrodisiacs to ready the population for his Royal Robeless Parade. And the Roman Emperor Biggupsus II tainted the Frankish village of Hiig with wolfsbane, hemlock and laurel seed – strong psychedelics that confused the Frankish men but seduced their voluptuous wives to Roman arms.
A spokesperson for the FBI warned that Brita’s new filter, miraculous as it may be, won’t’ be enough to block out the waves of political suggestion permeating the external stimulus that is Western culture. “The social interactions, media consumption, and social media experiences of the modern American is a vast conduit of suggestion and influence, and in some cases, outright mind control, and one water filter is but a small umbrella in the infinite deluge of electronic information,” said Special Agent Cindy Malowe. “The Russians have known this for decades, and no matter how much water we filter they will always be influencing us in ways we don’t even realize, from fake news to exotic espionage. And it’s probably too late to do anything about it. You can dunk your head in a tank of water but, chances are the Russians already got to you.”
The BritaX Mark 3 hits shelves Thursday and is available for pre-order on Amazon.com.