On the small island nation of Ikepagapelagu, a Presidential Dinner on world-famous Jimbobway Beach is all but canceled after the night’s host and honoree failed to arrive.  In the bleach white sands of the Bimbob Lagoon Resort and Hotel beachfront pavilion, an empty podium stares out at the sea, vacant and longing for the expression of life meant to erupt upon it, and the voice of the office whose emblem it displayed for naught but the seagulls so see. The gala night thus dismissed, the patrons all had left. All expect the Vice President, the mighty bull that slept on the beach a wreath of roses draped across his official neck. His master left him tied there so he could address the press.

“Mr. Bull,” a reporter asked, “what about the feast? what about the gala night, the food, the jokes, the speech?”

But the beach hall was left empty, the wind howled about the door. The President was absent and the ocean beat the shore. President Si’Kemp Minola had promised to appear. He’d spoken often of it as he drank away his beer:

“Biggy fig fog spattersploo, fippy jippy fray, glee glob glin glow glattery and fibby bibby bay.”

The people all around him said, what he means is this: “He’ll be at the gala night, his presence won’t be missed.”

Surely they thought they’d get him there so all could clap their hands. But that morning he’d gone missing just after digging clams.

The President is crazy as the Ikepagi know, but it’s still nice to trot him out and have a little show. Most of the night’s guests, having received word of the President’s inability to appear at the Presidential Dinner, graciously realized they had other things to do. But a few showed up and took a few pictures with Vice President Jasper. Not one to suppress his emotion, Vice President Jasper angrily rampaged through two twelve tops, flinging the glassware to the sky with his horns and shattering the tables to bits. He calmed down after his handlers injected him with a heavy dose of bovine sedative, and the few guests in attendance posed with a more reserved, genuflect Jasper just before he passed out completely.

UPDATE: President Minola was discovered on a rocky shoal two miles off the shore of Ikepagapelagu when the captain of a passing fishing boat heard his rantings. The captain discovered the President on the rock smeared head to toe in whale feces and merrily chewing away on raw clam strings.  He was transported via Coast Guard helicopter to the Ikepagelagu University Hospital where he was pronounced to be under the permanent influence of the Schedule C Narcotic LSD.  The Presidential Dinner has been rescheduled for Thursday.


  1. This is strangely more “presidential” than The United States’ current abomination of a “leader”.

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