An ancient civilization previously unknown to man has been discovered inside of Gus Binkerport of Portales, New Mexico. Gus resides in a tin shack between the garbage dumpsters behind the town’s Outback Steakhouse restaurant. Artifacts such as arrowheads and stone jewelry were found by nurses at Roosevelt General Hospital when Mr. Binkerport vomited in the hospital gift shop. X-Rays of his abdomen revealed more artifacts lodged in his innards. A spokesperson for Roosevelt General said Mr. Binkerport had been discharged just a few minutes before the incident occurred.
“An attendant wheeled Mr. Binkerport off the hospital grounds,” said Sheriff’s Deputy Cindy Kraola. “The hospital policy is to assist all discharged patients by wheelchair when they exit the premises. Mr. Binkerport did not have a vehicle or money for transportation, so they simply pushed him to edge of the property.”
When asked if the hospital was aware Mr. Binkerport was residence-challenged, Deputy Kraola appeared unsure. “I do believe they had some inkling, as he had indicated he lived behind Outback Steakhouse. Now the closest Outback Steakhouse is all the way out in Portales, so there was no way they were going to push him out there. But they did leave him the wheelchair, as a courtesy.”
According to witnesses, Mr. Binkerport eventually came back to the hospital to return the wheelchair, which he did not need to walk home. After abandoning the wheelchair in the lobby, he wandered into the gift shop where he eventually projectile vomited on a display of “Get Well Soon” cards. Nurses who rushed to his aid noticed the odd-shaped objects in his vomit and alerted authorities.
“Our first notion was that this man had been hungry and wandered into a museum,” said Deputy Kraola. “But we don’t have a museum here in Roosevelt so we decided to check out the Binkerport residence behind the Outback Steakhouse in Portales.”
What authorities discovered there blew them away. “This gentleman’s entire tin shack was adorned with this ancient jewelry. His kitchenware was very primitive, too, and looked to be of the same make as all the artifacts we found.”
“the ancient artifacts discovered in Portales are from a previously unknown civilization whose advanced technology we are just beginning to comprehend”
Realizing the significance of the discovery, the Sheriff’s Office contacted the closest peanut farm – Glen’s Peanut & Grain.
“Peanut Farm’s the authority in these parts,” Deputy Kraola said. “Old Peanut Glen, he always knows what to do in these type situations.”
It was Old Glen who sent Earl Guahinmo, a graduate student of anthropology at Eastern New Mexico University, to investigate. Mr. Guahinmo studied the items in the Binkertport residence carefully and concluded they were indeed artifacts of some kind. He then surveyed the empty lots adjacent to the Outback Steakhouse location and in one of these discovered more items, such as a primitive ax handle and shards of pottery, and more stone jewelry similar to what Mr. Binkerport retched out. But when pressed on prescient questions from the press, Mr. Guahinmo referred back the peanut farm. A spokesperson for Glen’s Peanut & Grain said, “the ancient artifacts discovered in Portales are from a previously unknown civilization whose advanced technology we are just beginning to comprehend. They were a kind, prosperous people who treated every member among them as equal, utilized shared living spaces and cared for their sick and elderly very dearly. They disappeared from the Earth thousands of years ago.”
When asked if his findings in the dirt lot behind the Outback Steakhouse confirmed this statement, Earl Guahinmo replied, “I’m ain’t here to confirm nor deny, I’m just here to dig.”
As for Gus Binkerport, his whereabouts have been unknown for the last 48 hours. He did not return to his tin shack between the dumpsters behind the Outback Steakhouse after scurrying off when detectives began inspecting his property. He is believed to have muttered something about “investigating an abandoned badger hole” before he left but remains at large. At the Portales Sunday swap meet, located at the Sunny View Trailer Community on the outskirts of town, Mr. Binkerport’s disappearance comes as no surprise.
“Oh he always would vanish quickly!” said Judy Rainstar (or, as her companion Jeb called her, “The Tipsy Gypsy”). “That Gus would show up one day, gone the next! Some say it was aliens but I think it was something supernatural that came and took him in the night! And now these these ancient people he’s discovered – that’s probably why it happened. Well, don’t you think that’s what it were? Huh, Jebby?”
“What you say, Tipsy Gypsy?” said Jeb, straining to hear.
“These people want to know about Gus Binkerport.” said Ms. Rainstar.
“Gus who?” said Jeb.
“GUS BINKERPORT!” she replied, and Jeb’s putty face lit up with glee.
“Oh, old Gus? Yeah, he used to have a trailer out here but it burned down ’bout ‘leaven years ago. Yeah, then he started living behind Lola’s. That’s right, Lola’s Peruvian, that restaurant in town. Remember Lola’s? That place was a trip, man! All the decorations and Indian costumes and little pyramids and stuff. And the best pisco sours man, I tell you what! Yeah, but they threw out all that junk and made it into an Outback Steakhouse.”
The sky lights up bright orange, than pink and turquoise as the desert sun declines and a cold chill creeps in.
But has the sun set on Gus Pinkerport? No one in Portales, New Mexico can be quite sure.
“He ate those people,” says Shirley Curl Sue, a five your old girl with no shoes on, running around the trailer park swap meet. “HE ATE THOSE PEOPLE!” Her screams are shrill and jolting as she disappears into fresh fog. A filthy, tattered man wearing only tube socks and rubber tires emerges from the haze and speaks:
“Some say, they live inside him. They grew and grew inside him like any people would. They conquered his organs one by one by one until they had him by the lungs! And still their people grew. They prospered in his colon, they sewed his spleen with seed! They harvested his kidney meat and so the people feed! They’re living down inside him and there isn’t enough space, that’s why he pukes their relics out all about the place!”